"Burning Ring?" I Thought That Was a Ceramic Hob

"Where have you been Joe?" I can almost hear you say.

"Busy, actually"

I have been extremely busy of late with work and family commitments, hence my failure to post a blog for some time.  And so after reading the following tale on FB, I couldn't resist the temptation to post it for all of you to enjoy, while saving me the chore of having to conjure up a post of my own :)

The following tale of woe is from customer comment sent to amazon.co.uk, by a man who bought Veet Hair Removal Cream for Men

(...)

"After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this cream as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types.

Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.

I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.

Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, took the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned.

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.

The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end, pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good”

Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting. Having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status either…so to sum it up...

VEET - removes hair, dignity and self-respect"

:)

When a Pastime Becomes Quality Time

Being back in the UK has enabled me to return to one of my favourite activities - Sports-Fishing in lakes and rivers with my buddy (son) and very talented angler, Matthew.

A day spent with Mattie on the banks of river or on an idyllic old manor lake such as Old Bury Hill, is a day well spent. In fact I can't think of anything I'd rather do.

Mattie and I get the chance to talk for hours, interrupted only by the frequent landing of fish and Mattie's desire to feed the many water fowl around, such as Mallard ducks, Canadian geese, coots, moor-hens and swans.

Yesterday I woke up at 5:15 (earlier than on a normal working day) to get ready for the 30 mile drive to our favourite lake, Old Bury Hill.  At 5:35 Mattie rang my mobile just to make sure I hadn't overslept.  By 7:00 we were ready to start fishing.

Old Bury Hill lake - Dorking, Surrey

.

It wasn't long before Mattie got into the thick of the action - and went on to catch around 20 sizable fish (twice as many as I did).  Mattie has obviously picked up his angling skills from...er...me!

From a dozen bream...

...to a few carp...

 ...and a tench, made it the "first" time this pupil has beat his teacher. Needless to say I was delighted for him.

While on the subject of angling and just before anyone wishes to criticize the sport, I would like to remind you that fishing is NOT a cruel activity. Research shows, beyond all reasonable doubt, that fish do not suffer any adverse effects from being landed and released by sports anglers. There are many reports of the same fish being caught by different anglers on the same day, proving the fish have not suffered any trauma and resumed normal activity soon after being released. A fish's mouth is it's tool and strongest part of the body. The tiny pin prick caused by the hook is not detrimental to it's well being. If fish felt pain when hooked they would not pull against the hook and increase pressure. A bull or cow will follow whoever is pulling it by the rope attached to it's nose-ring - because it feels pain or discomfort if it doesn't. The very opposite of a hooked fish's reaction.

More importantly, angling allows us to fulfil the basic human instinct of hunter-gatherer. Just as a cat will hunt a mouse or bird, even when not hungry, the angler catches his quarry to hone his survival skills and satisfy his primal instinct to hunt.  As the old saying goes "give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day - give him the rod and line and he will feed himself and his family from then on."

 And no, I'm not trying to convince myself.

:)

Stephen Hawking: Even a Genius Gets it Wrong Sometimes

I was surprised and disappointed to read that Stephen Hawking (the cleverest man in the world...and an atheist ) has decided against travelling to Israel for a conference, after bowing to pressure from American professor Noam Chomsky and some 20 other academics.

Chomsky's reason are, and I quote "Israel systematically discriminates against the Palestinians who make up 20% of its population in ways that would be illegal in the UK"

Chomsky is a hypocrite of colossal proportions by siding with the Palestinians who, incidentally, discriminate against their own women, or 55% of its population in ways that would be totally illegal in the UK.

While I'm the first to agree that Israel have over the years blatantly discriminated against the Palestinians, the same 20% who refuse to accept Israel's right to exist, I don't think an academic boycott serves any purpose whatsoever. In fact the sciences are about the only activity where Israelis and Palestinians work together - as equals.

Israel is not perfect by any means and has done many things wrong, as have all other nations, but at least it does not discriminate against its own women.

Israel is a democracy - Palestine probably never will be.

Judaism can and does co-exist with democracy - Islam can't.

Israel has more Nobel Prize winners than all of the Moslem world put together.

Come on Stephen, do as you had intended. Go to Jerusalem and spread your wisdom and atheism.Go to Israel and speak to both Israeli and Palestinian physicists who will welcome you and don't listen to the double-standard rhetoric of two-faced academics.

If you don't attend the Jerusalem conference the sensible people of the world, such as myself, will in future expect you to boycott all Islamic nations for the discrimination of women and gay people.

Oh, and by the way, Bill Clinton and Tony Blair are both going to Israel, and we all know those two care more for the human condition and have worked harder for social justice than pompous Chomsky and his geeky pals ever will.

Dear readers, your comments on this matter would be appreciated.

:(

A Sign Of The Times?

The orderly North Korean society appears, at first glance, to be together: but the dividing line between those who lead and those who are led is as clearly defined as the imbalance of power. The chosen crowd watches a military parade as a third of their fellow countrymen watch their families die from malnutrition.

(C. Sony Photo Awards)

Protests at imposed austerity in Greece create unrest on the streets of Athens. Why should the masses pay for the mistakes of countless avaricious bankers?

(C. Sony Photo Awards)

The self-destruction of Syria continues unabated. The world observes but does not intervene. No oil there. Nothing worth fighting for. Unlike Iraq, Kuwait, Libya... 

The lack of sincerity will continue to fuel the fires of resentment.

(C. Sony Photo Awards)

And countless human beings seeking freedom...

...while countless others seek the opposite - their minds locked in dogma, superstition and, worst of all, religion.

But life goes on in the hope-filled minds of the innocent who share their gift with obliging friends...

...and in the life-long companions who share their undying love.

(C. Sony Photo Awards)

But there is hope. An abundance of hope. The milk of human kindness nourishes those in need...

...and never before have so many helped so many

A sign of the times?  What do you think?

:)

In Praise of Beauty - Part 2

Beauty, be it in Nature or Art, has always fascinated me. I live mostly in a constant state of awe and wonder. Not a single day goes by when I don't see something worthy of my utmost admiration.

Long may it continue, for I will never tire of admiring beauty.


Beauty such as in Sofia C, from Portugal. The epitome of feminine elegance and refinement, and in an arty shot that could grace the cover of any magazine...

 and on to the exquisite finesse of this translucent rainforest butterfly...

and the majestic snowy owl...

or the autumn sun forcing it's way through a blanket of rain clouds...

or even setting, after a long day of laborious luminescence...

 and...the town I love so well.

:)